Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh