Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Body by cheese-puffs.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.