Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I cannot stop laughing at this
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.