Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.