*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
You Might Also Like
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.