Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Every. Damn. Time.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.