I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I need this for my side hustle.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?