I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.