It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me irl
🙂🙃🥹
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.