You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before