I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise