*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me if I was a dog
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.