My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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