They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike