Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.