[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second