booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
somebody come look at this
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.