HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
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“OMGJK” -atheists
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.