just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.