Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.