I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
found my next D&D character name
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Never forget.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner