Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m having an out of money experience.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Oh. My. God.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.