I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.