Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.