Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I can’t stop watching this.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Received some very disappointing news today
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.