I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”