wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Breaking news:
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?