Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
#Thanos #MondayMood
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.