If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
multitasking lunch
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.