My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.