[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You Might Also Like
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Eggs benadryl my favourite