My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.