Bruh PLEASE
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
🍞🦆
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
how it started vs how it ended
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.