His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
You Might Also Like
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.