HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese