[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one