Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool