[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
this could fix me
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..