If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t