My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
All generalizations are stupid.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too