Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.