My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.