It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Every time.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’ll be mad as hell!