My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.