“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
this is me
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.