[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.