What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
You Might Also Like
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
whatcha thinkin bout
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole