I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*