*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
U talkin 2 me?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??