50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Breaking news:
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????