I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.